Cancer: a Story of General Loathing

I am putting this on my blog because I am exhausted. I have had the same conversation about 20 times over the last few days and I can't do it anymore. More importantly, I can't comfort the people I tell because I am so scared and upset myself. So, if I haven't called you or told you personally, it's not because I don't love you, it's because I am just plain exhausted. I am still a mom. I still have a full time job. I am tired even before having hours of sickening conversations every day.

I have breast cancer.

I'll put what I know on here and I'll try to post updates. So here goes:

I found it about two weeks ago. I was getting dressed for a workout and my hand brushed up against it. Seconds or minutes later (I don't know which), I woke up on the floor. I had passed out cold. At the time it seemed like an overreaction, but knowing what I know now it was completely appropriate.

I went to my doctor, she gave me a bit of false hope and a measure of concern. I begged for a same day appointment to get a mammogram, but there was nothing available. The next day I had to leave to go to Pittsburgh for work. For a week I waited and tried to distract myself. Fortunately, I got to travel with a coworker who became a friend over the course of the week. That helped a lot.

When I got back, I got a mammogram, then an ultrasound, then a biopsy. Then a phone call letting me know I have cancer. Yesterday I visited the surgeon. I immediately felt she was the right choice. I thought I would have to beg her for a double mastectomy. Instead, she spent half an hour trying to build her case for it until I cut her off. I told her that I needed to live more than I need breasts. I don't have any lifestyle risk factors, so the only risk I can eliminate is my breasts.

And then, heartbreakingly, Chris and I cancelled our biennial couple trip. We were supposed to leave tomorrow for the Florida keys, but I can't delay treatment another week. I'm already going insane. That has been one of the hardest parts of this process. Our marriage is built on these trips that happen every other year and we could really use the extra strength now.

So here's what I know so far:

• I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. It seems to be a little over a centimeter (which is larger than originally thought) and most likely involves some tissue around the duct. It is grade 3, which is the most aggressive and also the most common among young cancer patients. But it is small and that seems to indicate that it will be treatable. I won't know if there is lymph node involvement until after the surgery. If there is no involvement, my cancer will officially be Stage 1, if there is, it will be Stage 2 or higher. 
• I can't schedule a surgery yet because the plastic surgeon wants to see me before he will schedule. This is incredibly frustrating to me. I know it won't kill me to wait a week or two more, but I want it out now. My reconstruction will take place at the same time as the mastectomy, so both surgeons will have to coordinate. 
• I am having a double mastectomy because not doing so would be stupid and risky. Mammograms are ineffective on women under 50, and especially on someone like me. I have very dense tissue and very little fat, making a mammogram about as effective as a picture with someone's thumb over the lens. Combine that with the fact that I am 36, already have cancer and will have in increased risk for the rest of my life and I believe that anything other than a double mastectomy would be irresponsible. I have two kids that I really want to raise. I already nursed them, so there's no need to hang onto these cancer incubators. There will be a lot of pain involved, but it will be worth it. Yes, a lumpectomy may be effective when it comes to 5 year survival rates, but I want to survive a lot longer than 5 years. 
• Even if there is no lymph node involvement, I will need chemo. Again, this is because I am a 36 year old with cancer. Something has gone horribly wrong, the cancer is aggressive and I can't be treated like the typical 55 year old breast cancer patient. My surgeon explained it that most cancer patients need to live 20-30 more years. She wants to make sure I live 50 more years. 

People have asked if I need anything. Mainly I just need to know people support me. I can't be the one to comfort people right now (one coworker actually told me that if he found out he had cancer he would kill himself). My world has been turned upside down and I need to know that my friends and family love me and are praying for me. Also, if it seems like I've forgotten about my cancer for five minutes, let me forget. I will bring it up if I want to talk about it, I promise. 

Depending on scheduling, I may need people to help with childcare. My kids just watched their grandma die of cancer and they are terrified. I really honestly believe I will recover from this, but they are still worried. I want to make sure there is someone that they love and trust watching them while I go to appointments and what not. Also, I need someone to teach me how to pencil on eyebrows and apply fake eyelashes. The prospect of losing my hair is nothing compared to that of having a naked eyebrow area. It actually kind of terrifies me. For real. Please contact me if you have this skill.

I'm not quite sure yet what I need as a brand new primary president newly diagnosed with cancer. That one is harder. I am going to try to continue to serve, but I'm not going to dump it all on my counselors either. 

So far, it seems as though I caught this very early. I have to believe that God helped me find it. And I also have to believe that if He helped me find it, I have to believe that He also wants me to be cured. I will post any updates here so I can spend my energy on my family. So there it is. You know everything I know. I'll post an update when I have a surgery date. In the meantime, I love and appreciate all of you. Thank you for all your support, offers of help and prayers.