A Series of Catastrophic Failures

It all started a few weeks ago with the kitchen light. That particular light has always chewed through bulbs like those little Japanese guys chew through hot dogs at eating competitions. So when a bulb burned out and Chris went to change it, he realized that the high tech heat shield (consisting of what looked like metallic spraypaint over cardboard) had failed and that the wires were starting to scorch. So that night we had to cut our once-quarterly date short to pick up this number:

I admit, it looks much better than the old one, but I would rather have not had to spend the money in the first place.

Two weeks went by almost without incident until Tuesday. Tuesday morning was rough. Emily woke up very early and seemed bent on injuring herself all morning. I decided to give myself a break at lunchtime and microwave some chicken nuggets. The microwave operated for approximately one second before it tripped the GFCI. I reset it. It tripped it again. The next twenty minutes consisted of preheating the oven and cooking the nuggets the old fashioned way while Emily maintained a constant whine of, "nuuuuuuggeeeets!", finally resorting to tears before she could partake of the promised chicken bits.

That night we picked up a new microwave. Things went well until the next night when we were microwaving dinners (I know - I'm a crappy homemaker) and the new microwave died. Since the modes of failure were completely different, we concluded it was bad luck rather than bad wiring. So, for the second night in a row, we picked up a new microwave. This one has passed the 24 hour mark, so I think we are going to be okay.

Tonight was the final straw. As I was waging my war against the spider mites that seem so intent upon entering my home, I was cleaning all the floors in my house. I ever so lightly bumped the vacuum on a corner and the cover flew off spectacularly, shooting five feet and coming to rest minus the clip that holds it closed. I am afraid it is irreparably broken. But April is almost over and I have a grand plan involving duct tape that I am sure will get us by until the May paycheck. I hope next month will be kinder to our household appliances.

Going Green

Today my blog is going green. Everyone talks about how life changing it is, so I thought I would try it for one day. It is Earth Day today and I am thinking about how much I miss being a student at UW on Earth Day. Every year, the Agriculture fraternity would celebrate by killing several cows and cooking up free burgers and beans for the whole campus. Now, that's a great way to celebrate the earth. What good is the earth anyway if you can't grow tasty cows on it?

Just because I can't have a free burger doesn't mean that I can't celebrate Earth Day in my own way. I am celebrating with a series of small changes. Today I pledge that I will not:

1) Drive Chris' nasty, dirty gas guzzling truck.

2) Spill any oil in any ocean or major waterway.

3) Use any cleaning products or paper towels.

4) Use any toilet paper. (Instead, I am keeping an old T-shirt by the toilet.)

5) Shower.

6) Use a coal burning furnace.

I calculate that by doing this, I will save sixteen butterflies, eight whales and that I will destroy my marriage when Chris comes home to a stinky wife, a dirty house and poop all over his favorite shirt (which I am using as a substitute for toilet paper). We all have to make sacrifices to save the earth. What will yours be?

It has been fun going green today but for the next post I think I will return to black. It is much easier on the eyes.

A dilemma

This weekend I am attending a wedding which is the fourth for the bride and at least the second for the groom. The bride is in her fifties with some grown children and some at home. The time is getting short and I have still not purchased a gift. What do you bring to a wedding of two independent families who are probably trying to eliminate belongings rather than taking them on?

So far, here are my ideas:



1) One of the crystal bowls I got for my wedding seven years ago and still have not taken out of the box.









2) Their first joint pet. Perhaps a cat.









3) A Dodge Dart with monogrammed seat covers.








That's all I've got. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Really. Please.

Two good things

Today two good things happened:

The first was that the drywall guys finished in our basement guest room. It's not that they haven't been perfectly polite and considerate - it's just weird having strangers in your house all day. It has been fun making the neighbors think that I'm having an affair with a guy who drives an Astro Van, but I am so happy to have the house back to myself. Oh - and if I ever did have an affair, it would be with a guy who drives a purple Hyundai. I have a weakness for men who are so secure in their masculinity that they are comfortable driving cars normally piloted by high school girls.



The second good thing that happened was that we finally had a warm day. Emily wore shorts for the first time this year. She braved a bad cold to spend some time in the sun. (By the way, we didn't get a dog - we just had our lawn aerated.) Due to global warming, shorts day came quite a bit later than it has in previous years and that made it even more welcome.

A quick trip to Wal Mart

Last night I had to pay a visit to Wal Mart. Normally I don't shop there, but I was only a few blocks away running errands and I just had to pick up a few items for the priesthood ice cream social. How bad could it be?

I entered Wal Mart at 7:25 and counted myself extremely lucky to find a cart with a working toddler seatbelt on only the second try. This should have been a good omen for the rest of my trip. I found the toppings with no trouble with the exception of the Reddi Whip and the cherries. After picking up the disposable bowls and spoons, I realized I was making great time and congratulated myself on conquering the Wal Mart beast.

Next was the Reddi Whip. I checked by the cream and milk. Not there. I checked by the refrigerated Jell-o. Maybe Reddi Whip doesn't have to be refrigerated. I checked by the baking supplies. Not there. I checked in the center-of-the isle refrigerated bins. Not there. Discouraged and sick of singing "Old McDonald Had a Farm" to keep Emily from having a meltdown, I went for the ice cream.

After procuring the ice cream, I finally found a Wal Mart employee. She was a stocker, but my best bet. After explaining to her what Reddi Whip was, she told me to check by the milk. I checked again and found it had not magically appeared. Defeated, I picked up a tub of frozen-solid Cool Whip and hoped it would thaw on my way to drop off the supplies. By then, the ice cream had started to get soft, so I exchanged it for some fresh ice cream before leaving the store.

On my way out, I passed the milk, then the cottage cheese, then the yogurt then - Reddi Whip! For some reason, in the collective Wal Mart brain, whipped topping is closer in genus and species to yogurt than to whipping cream. I triumphantly placed two cans of it in my cart and sneaked the Cool Whip from my cart onto the shelf next to the cottage cheese.

When I went to check out, I realized two things: 1) I never did find those cherries and 2) I accidentally grabbed light ice cream. Oh well, most of those guys could stand to loose a few pounds anyway.

I finally left the store at 8:15. It had taken me 50 minutes to pick up ice cream and toppings. My weekly grocery trip to King Soopers normally takes 45. In the future, I will remember there is no such thing as a quick trip to Wal Mart.

To all the drafters I have ever offended

I admit it. I have been known to give drafters a hard time. I have given them huge revisions with no apologies and on one (very tense) occasion, even told one to, "shut up and sit down". To these noble souls, I would like to issue a heartfelt apology. For the last two weeks I have been drafting my own design for a change and have realized that drafting is miserable horrible work.

I'm sorry for acting like the carpal tunnel syndrome was all in your head. CAD work causes you to sit in an incredibly uncomfortable and unnatural position.

I'm sorry for sneaking in early and opening the blinds so I could get some natural light. I now realize that staring at the screen all day gives you a huge headache and excessive amounts of natural light aggravate it to the point that you think your head will explode.

I'm sorry for telling you to, "man up and get my sheets done". I now appreciate all the work that goes into those nasty little lines.

It's true that you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone and right now, I'm sitting here wishing that a fairy godmother drafter would drop from the sky and finish my sheets. So, to all the drafters I have ever worked with: please accept my apology and please consider doing some sidework for me in the future.

The clone army

Today was a pretty good day. First of all, it was the first day of spring, which I firmly believe should be considered a national holiday. Secondly, Chris came home today. He's been gone for the last few days at an Engineer's conference. He is having a hard time adjusting to normal life after being surrounded by a clone army.

Allow me to explain. This clone army is not modeled after Jango Fett; it is modeled after this guy:

Now, I have no idea who this guy is, but he is a perfect example of a civil design engineer. Notice the plaid and the clean cut appearance. I think engineers wear plaid in hopes that when they are out in the field, the construction workers might mistake them for a hunting buddy. This seldom works. Construction workers can smell engineers from a mile away.

The field engineers have a slightly different appearance. They usually have a three day beard and, when caught bareheaded, have a permanent hat ring in their hair. They too wear the ubiquitous plaid.

You can imagine how I always stick out like a sore thumb wherever my kind gather. In spite of my most earnest efforts, I have been unable to find plaid women's clothing. If anyone has any tips on where I might find a flattering plaid shirt, please share them with me. I would be most grateful.